A year ago, my husband and I decided to break up but try living in the same house for the love of our eight year old daughter. It worked for a while—until it didn’t work anymore. Yesterday, we filed for divorce with our mediation lawyer, and as so often happens during the divorce process, I watched two people who care about each other start volleying for position as we talked about who would get what and how we would divide up the business of me. My Small Self had an inner tantrum. The running dialogue in my head during divorce mediation went something like this (with some of the four letter words removed for the love of my ex):
God dammit. We signed a prenuptial agreement nine years ago so we could avoid fighting over who got what, and now here he is, trying to violate the spirit of our agreement so he can take my money. But it’s mine. ALL MINE. My liquidated retirement account that funded this business. My talent that fuels this business. My painstakingly written books. My teleclasses and speaking gigs and hard earned money. And now he wants a piece of my business for the rest of his life? Mine. Mine. MINE. He’s threatening me. I’m scared of losing everything I’ve worked so hard to earn and having to work even harder than I already am. I have to protect myself—NOW.
Then I heard myself saying things I didn’t really mean because my Small Self felt hurt, betrayed, violated, judgmental, righteous, and frightened. I noticed myself slipping into full on self-protection mode without considering what was best for this man I’ve loved for twelve years. I knew I needed help from the Big Guns, so I called my friend and spiritual advisor Tosha Silver, author of Outrageous Openness. I told her I was trying to surrender the entire divorce to Divine Will but I was having a hard time. I know I don’t want to carry the burden of this divorce. I only want whatever is in the highest good to have room to come into being in a way that is equitable, kind, and respectful to us both.
Here’s what Tosha brilliantly advised.