46 Things NOT To Say If You’re Committed To Anti-Racism, Justice & Empathy

Art Credit: Shiloh Sophia

The votes for the 2020 US Presidential election are still being counted, but what is already obvious is that something close to 50% of the country is still voting for an unapologetically racist, white supremacist candidate. The hashtags have quit trending, but the inequality and white supremacy in our country is still rampant. This means that no matter who wins the election, we have BIG anti-racism work to do if we truly care about dismantling systemic racism. If we can’t do this in our spiritual communities, where can we? As such, I’m trying to do my best to collect resources for you all so we can get up to speed, let go of old “spiritual” beliefs that were actually hurting a lot of marginalized people, and commit to doing our own anti-racism work so we can become more empathic, helpful, supportive allies who put our compassion into action—compassion with feet.

Even when we have good intentions to support the anti-racism movement, we often say just the wrong thing, sometimes at the most vulnerable moment. I asked the people in my Facebook community to help us crowd-source the Cliff Notes of what NOT to say if you want to be a real social justice and #BlackLivesMatter ally.

1. “I see you. I hear you. I care. #BlackLivesMatter.” (Then you do nothing, change nothing, and risk nothing.)
2. “All lives matter.”
3. “I’m not a racist.”
4. “We’re all One. You’re being divisive when you talk about race.”
5. “I’m color blind.”
6. “You shouldn’t call me out on my racism. You should just do your own work.”
7. “Why fight with reality? You just need to love and accept what is.”
8. “You can talk about racism, but you have to talk sweet, or I’m going to [silence you/unfollow you/abandon you/reject you/delete you/not promote or publish you].”
9. “Take responsibility for your victim narrative and stop blaming others for your suffering.”
10. “You’re making the polarization worse when you call people racist.”
11. “But I voted for Obama.”
12. “But I have a BIPOC (Black, Indigenous, People Of Color) family member (or friend).”
13. “But I’m poor/disabled/LGBTQIA+ so I can’t have white privilege.”
14. “You should go meditate if you’re this upset.”
15. “It’s only your negative thoughts that are a problem.”
16. “Fear is the opposite of love. Just choose love.”
17. “That’s just a story.”
18. “You need to work on your ego.”
19. “You manifested this.”
20. “Your soul chose this so you could grow.”
21. “You’re just projecting.”
22. “Other countries had slavery. Africa… Egypt. Blacks enslaved other blacks!” (So we’re not bad.)
23. “This stuff is too heavy. You’re vibing my bliss.”
24. “But rioting and wrecking property isn’t the way to get my support.”
25. “I don’t believe in interrupting other people’s karma.”
26. “Stop playing the race card.”
27. “Oh, you’re obviously ‘triggered.'” (This is code for: “You aren’t raising a legitimate point. The problem is with you and your irrational emotional reactions.”)
28. “I was Black/Indian/etc. in a past life.” (Which somehow opts you out of being white in this one.)
29. “Racism isn’t really the problem here, it’s [fill in the blank].” [Basically deflecting, whataboutism, and downright gaslighting – that reality isn’t actually reality, because they say so.]
30. “I know exactly how you feel.”
31. “I’m entitled to my opinion.”
32. “Good vibes only.”
33. “I always support my minority friends on social media.”
34. “But Denzel Washington, Morgan Freeman, and Candace Owens don’t believe in systemic racism.”
35. “But I’m [poor/LGBTQIA+/disabled/overweight/neurodiverse] so I can’t have white privilege.”
36. “Things happen for a reason.”
37 “Let’s agree to disagree.”
38. “I’m too busy working on myself to do anti-racism work.”
39. “I’m an empath/Highly Sensitive Person/overwhelmed, so I can’t handle talking about racism.”
40. “I don’t want to talk publicly about racism until I’ve done all my work and can get it right.”
41. “Just tell me what you want me to do.”
42. “The problem is too big. I won’t be able to change anything.”
43. “I don’t watch the news, so I don’t ruin my vibe.”
44. “I only listen when people use NVC (Non-Violent Communication).” [As a way to tone police, shut down your legitimate emotion, and try to control you.]
45. ”Stay in your lane.” (In other words, talk about health or finance or spirituality but don’t talk about politics.)
46. “Well, then what SHOULD I say?”

If you really don’t understand what we’re talking about here, check out my posts on Facebook from the past week and find the reading list to bring you up to speed on what you CAN do. If you can stand the heat, I recommend starting with Me and White Supremacy by the Black Muslim woman Layla Saad. She invested big emotional labor in trying to help “spiritual white people” understand how we’ve been complicit in racism because of our white privilege, white fragility, willful blindness, white silence, white apathy, and many other common mistakes otherwise caring people make. If you can, read this with a study partner. There are lots of journal prompts that make for deep, rich, uncomfortable but intimate conversation with a trusted friend.

If you’re finally getting what NOT to say but you don’t know what is helpful, try listening and validating the emotions someone is expressing, not as an empty gesture, but as a sincere attempt to be part of the change. Read all the books on the book list we collected. Examine your own implicit biases. Do your own work. Take a class. Join a book club. Talk to a therapist. Participate in anti-racism activism. Invest your money in it. Google search “white allyship” and get involved. Learn from the countless BIPOC leaders who are devoted to this work. And please, avoid telling people like me that my posts are too heavy when you feel helpless. This sh*t is heavy!!! There’s no way to lighten it up and we shouldn’t try. If this feels heavy to you, imagine what it’s felt like to Black Indigenous People of Color for centuries! I’m trying to help the white people in this community—because I’m in this with you and I care and I’m trying to use my power, privilege, and platform to make a difference. But this is a time when each of us needs to take personal responsibility for figuring this out for ourselves and not expect someone else to do this hard work for us.

*Some of the quotes you all shared with me here were real jaw drops. No wonder people are pissed! Thanks everyone for crowd-sourcing what I missed in my first iteration of this.