In intimate relationships, agreements are sacred. They are not just logistical understandings; they are expressions of mutual respect, shared values, and equal power. When two people come to an agreement, especially about something emotionally charged or...
There’s a moment in every healing journey when we meet the parts of ourselves that are armored up so tight, we can hardly breathe. Therapy is hard enough when we’re focusing on all the ways we’ve been victimized by the people who have hurt us. But it’ll knock the...
Let’s be honest. Trauma survivors don’t always behave well. Even if they’re trauma symptom is people-pleasing niceness, that usually rides shotgun with passive aggressive resentment and punishing behaviors that result from poor boundaries and over-giving. But...
In You Are The One You’ve Been Waiting For (& You Still Need Others), Part 1, I hopefully made the case for why it’s a set up for failure when we expect our intimate loved ones to take responsibility for being the primary caregiver of nurturing comfort,...
Ten years ago, when I first read Internal Family Systems, (IFS) founder Dick Schwartz’s book You Are The One You’ve Been Waiting For, it was a game changer for me. The premise of the book, which is about applying the principles of the IFS model to intimate...
Like many women, especially those of us who grew up in a religious home, I was indoctrinated at an early age to be a pleasing, compliant good girl who suppressed anger and practiced “unconditional love.” This meant I was supposed to have compassion for the people...
I just moved away from the community I’ve loved for 17 years to follow my partner, Jeff, to a new job in Sonoma County. That means losing daily contact with my neighbors, including my next door neighbor, who does IFS parts processing with me over coffee. It means...
It’s not your fault if nobody ever taught you how to be in a healthy relationship. If you grew up in a house with at least one selfabsorbed narcissistic parent who didn’t model a healthy, balanced relationship for you. Or even worse, if one of your caregivers was a...