Do You Overfunction or Underfunction In Relationships?

While few people name the pattern, we’ve all seen couples where one person overfunctions, and the other person underfunctions. What do we mean by “functioning?” Dr. Will Meek defined it as “our ability to manage life (make decisions, manage time and stress, etc); to be responsible for the things we are involved with; and to operate as autonomous beings. When we are functioning optimally we are often keeping a good schedule, staying on top of things, meeting deadlines with work and school, making decisions for ourselves even if some advice is sought, not taking more than our share of responsibility, and successfully fulfilling life roles like parent, employee, and partner.”

In a functional couple, tasks are divided relatively evenly, based on core competencies and interests. They may not be 50/50 on everything. One person might be functional as a busy, contributing stay home parent and housekeeper while another is earning wages and helping with child care on weekends and in the evening. Or division of labor tasks might be divided, but both parties are doing their fair share of the work and not expecting one person to overfunction, while the other contributes less functional capacity.

One reason the overfunctioning/underfunctioning pattern might show up is because of differences in degree of severity of past trauma- and confusion about what a healthy relationship might look like. Some trauma survivors are indoctrinated to believe that the way to get love is to overfunction, rescue people, and grant someone else a hall pass to contribute less, while others have their functional capacity hindered because of trauma and might be inclined to underfunction. (If this resonates with you, this is one of the topics my partner Jeffrey Rediger, MD, MDiv and I will be covering in our next weekend Zoom workshop Healing Attachment Wounds In Relationships. Learn more and register here.)

When the overfunctioning/underfunctioning dynamic is at play, maybe one person is the hyper-responsible, competent “parentified child” Wendy in the partnership, and the other is the irresponsible, feckless “never grow up” Peter Pan. Maybe there’s only one person with a paying job in the relationship- and the wage-earner also does most of the child-rearing, emotional labor, and housekeeping to boot, while the other occupies themselves with fun hobbies or watches or plays sports or goes to the bar all day, without contributing much to the “adulting” in the relationship.

People may also flip flop this pattern in different relationships. Maybe someone overfunctioned in a past relationship and got burned out, so they found someone new to caregive them so they could underfunction. Or maybe they always play the same overfunctioning role in each relationship, chronically seeking out lower functioning people they can rescue.

While this pattern might be harmonious for a number of years, invariably, the overfunctioner burns out and starts pressurizing the system, demanding that the underfunctioner step up to the plate and start bearing some of the burden. Then the underfunctioner digs their heels in, resisting, being passive aggressive, refusing to give up being caretaken, and accusing the overfunctioner of abandonment.

Underneath these roles lie a lot of “parts” that hide in the shadows. While it may not be conscious or intentional, the overfunctioner likes being in control, rescuing the underfunctioner, being the hero, feeling good about being generous, and getting all the kudos. The overfunctioner often learned to overfunction because he or she was expected to be a little adult long before childhood was over. 

The underfunctioner was either molly-coddled and infantalized in childhood and never allowed to individuate and become an autonomous adult. So they now expect the partner to molly-coddle them like Mommy or Daddy or Nana did. Or they were not nurtured at all in childhood and had to overfunction like the little adult- and now they’re burned out and looking for someone else to overfunction on their behalf so they can finally get a break. The underfunctioner may like having a Sugar Daddy or Mama who lets them avoid adult responsibilities but still allows them the advantages of adulthood- by covering for them. They sometimes get the nurturing and caretaking they might not have gotten in childhood, so they can finally experience the childhood they might have never gotten.

Overfunctioning & Underfunctioning Are Not Anyone’s Fault

Overfunctioners often overfunction as a trauma symptom, so it’s not necessarily a conscious choice or intentional power grab for control. The overfunctioning is often a way to manage their own anxiety, because they struggle to handle when someone else gets anxious from having a hard time functioning. Instead of co-regulating someone who is frustrated or angry or not functioning well, instead of trusting their capacity and cheerleading their functionality, they just jump in and do it themselves- and then resent the inequality of it.

Likewise, it’s often not the underfunctioner’s fault that they’re not functioning on all cylinders. A variety of reasons can cause someone to struggle with functionality, and trauma is often at the root of such patterns. Someone with a chronic illness may struggle to function at peak performance, but being disabled is not the same thing as underfunctioning. Sometimes parts that are burned out from overfunctioning can use the body to help get more help and support, to get a break from overfunctioning. When these folks are treated with a trauma-informed medicine approach using Internal Family Systems, sometimes (but not always), they discover “parts” that are using the body to help them get core needs met, namely caregiving from others, often because they have been over-caregiving for way too long. Being sick helps young parts that didn’t get enough of a childhood finally get nurturing and care, the way a mother would nurture a sick child, even if it means being in pain or medical distress. This dynamic often flies far below the radar of conscious awareness. 

Underfunctioners can also underfunction because of trauma and trauma-related mental illnesses like ADHD, dissociative disorders, depressive disorders, addictions, and complex PTSD. All of these mental health issues are secondary to trauma, and trauma is never anyone’s fault. But it is the underfunctioner’s responsibility to commit to a trauma recovery journey in order to minimize the trauma symptoms. 

Keep in mind that it’s normal in loving relationships for one partner to overfunction while an underfunctioning partner is having a hard time dealing with a medical or mental health crisis. Caregiving is not the same thing as overfunctioning.  But caregivers can get burned out too. While we have compassion for our loved ones when their functionality is limited because of disease, disability, or trauma, it’s not sustainable for one person to be constantly caregiving another without additional support. Unless there’s support for the caregiver, imbalance in functionality in a partnership can lead to resentment, burnout, and dissatisfaction for both parties. If one partner is chronically ill or severely mentally ill or handicapped- and unlikely to ever get better- more than one caregiver is likely going to be necessary, so the more functional partner can have a life of their own. That way, the caregiver can get breaks and experience more balance in their own caregiving and care-receiving, so they don’t burn out.

Understanding the Overfunctioning/Underfunctioning Dynamic

The overfunctioning/underfunctioning cycle is a common pattern in relationships where one partner (the overfunctioner) tends to take on more responsibilities, both emotionally and practically, while the other partner (the underfunctioner) steps back too much, relying on their partner to manage things. This can manifest in various aspects of the relationship, including household chores, decision-making, emotional support, financial providing, and problem-solving.

Overfunctioners are often driven by a desire to control outcomes, prevent conflict, be perceived as good, generous, compassionate people, or ensure that everything runs smoothly. Overfunctioners often overfunction because they feel a lot of anxiety if they see someone else struggling to complete tasks, manage schedules, or handle adult responsibilities. 

They often were the “parentified child” in early life, when they had to parent the younger children, or even parent the irresponsible or immature parents. They might feel responsible for their partner’s well-being and may struggle with trusting that their partner can handle things independently. This can lead to overfunctioners taking on more than their fair share of responsibilities, often at the expense of their own well-being.

Underfunctioners, on the other hand, may struggle with self-confidence or fear of failure, leading them to rely on their partner to take the lead. They might feel easily overwhelmed by pressure and responsibilities, or they believe that they are not as capable as their partner or other people. They may have been the scapegoat of the family- and went on to fulfill the parent’s low expectations of them. Low self-esteem can then create a self-fulfilling prophecy, as the underfunctioner becomes more dependent on their partner, and the overfunctioner feels compelled to continue taking on more, to the point of burnout.

This cycle can create tension, resentment, and a lack of mutual respect over time. The overfunctioner may feel burdened and unappreciated, while the underfunctioner may feel inadequate, infantilized, not good enough, and insecure. Breaking this cycle requires both partners to recognize the pattern and commit to making changes, so the functionality between two people can become more fair and balanced.

If this dynamic sounds familiar, you may resonate with the topic of an upcoming Zoom weekend workshop I’m co-teaching with my psychiatrist partner Jeffrey Rediger, MD, MDiv. Sometimes overfunctioners partner with each other and underfunctioners partner with each other. Sometimes couples share responsibilities quite equitably. But frequently, some version of the overfunctioning/ underfunctioning dynamic can show up over time.

To respond to this need, Jeff and I are offering a program to support the more securely attached and often burned out overfunctioners who may tend to partner with people with severe attachment wounding, which can sometimes, but not always, result in underfunctioning. Healing Attachment Wounds In Relationships is intended to help educate and offer guidance for those with secure or anxious attachment styles, who are trying to walk the razor’s edge of supporting someone with a severe trauma history, which can be very difficult, while still making sure you get your own needs met adequately.

If you or someone you know might benefit from this particular kind of support, please pass on the invitation.

Learn more and register here.

In the next blog, I’ll be sharing some practical guidance for couples who are committed to breaking out of this cycle, so make sure you’re on my mailing list so you don’t miss it.