I just had lunch with one of my inner circle girlfriends, and I confessed to her that my goal for 2013 is to stop resisting communion with the Divine. The conversation that ensued helped me clarify and articulate the challenge I’ve faced in my spiritual journey. I’m sure some of you are leaps and bounds ahead of me in your own spiritual evolution, so I’m putting this out as a call to the Universe (and you!) for guidance around dealing with this resistance.
What exactly do I mean? Let me give you an example of how this sometimes goes down.
Writing Mind Over Medicine
As I described in this post, I didn’t write most of Mind Over Medicine. My intention was to make myself a vessel and allow the Divine to write it using my flesh-and-blood fingers on a computer keyboard.
When writing the book, I would do my sitting meditation, plunk myself down at the computer, and try to get my ego (I call her Victoria Rochester out of the way so the Divine could use me. Then the words would come out.
At the end of a long day of writing, I’d look back on what I’d write as if I’d just come out of a trance, and sometimes, I couldn’t even remember writing what I had just written. It was like I was reading it for the first time.
Then the voices in my head would kick in.
Victoria Rochester: OMG, I’m so special! La di da, I’m channeling!
Inner Pilot Light: Oh darling (pats Victoria on the head), don’t you understand that you SO did not write that?
Victoria Rochester: Me me me me me…
Inner Pilot Light (shakes head, feeling hopeless): No sweetheart. God. Not you.
What sometimes followed was Victoria throwing a full-blown tantrum that manifested as a physiological freakout. My body would shake. I’d feel like I was crawling out of my skin. And the only way I could soothe myself was to curl up in a ball, lie on the floor, and rock myself.
The first few times this happened, I had no clue what was happening. (God bless Tricia Barrett and Elisabeth Manning for nursing me through.) But over time, I came to realize that I was having some sort of ego meltdown, that Victoria was resisting the notion of me being God embodied, wanting to believe instead that I am separate, individual, unique, that I am Victoria, not universal Divine consciousness working through a human body.
I did some somatic therapy with Steve Sisgold, author of What’s Your Body Telling You, to help my body catch up with the higher vibration at which I’m trying to operate. It helped the somatic freakout, but Victoria still runs amok at times.
Calling In The Animals
My body behaved better, but a similar Victoria vs. Inner Pilot Light conversation went down when I called in the whales, the dolphins, the coyotes, and a dog and a cat who had run away (you can read about how I applied Martha Beck’s 4 Technologies of Magic in order to do this here).
In the moment of communing with the spirits of the animals, the feeling of universal connection, the unbridled joy of knowing we are ALL ONE, not separate individual consciousness, but shared collective consciousness, was so magical, so yummy, so ecstatic and wondrous and filled with awe. It was – for lack of a better word – nirvana.
And then Victoria shows up with her spiritual arrogance and tries to convince me that I’m different, special, unique, that I’m somehow “chosen” – which of course negates the truth of the Oneness and is total BS.
Bending Spoons & Whispering To Horses
I noticed less resistance when I finally learned to bend silverware (as I wrote about here) and energetically whispered to the horses at Martha Beck’s ranch (which you can read about here). Victoria tried to get all “Check me out! I’m bending spoons and telepathically communicating with horses!”
But this time, the voice of my Inner Pilot Light was stronger. My body felt calm. My Inner Pilot Light soothed Victoria. The evidence was building – this kind of spiritual magic is SO not about me. I had more peace about the whole thing, but then I resisted.
It’s becoming increasingly clear that one of my most important jobs in 2013 is to finally release all resistance to direct communication with Divine consciousness, to truly surrender, lovingly send Victoria to time out, and allow myself to be fully used in service to healing health care and whatever else Divine consciousness chooses to use me for.
But this is easier said than done because doing so means letting go of the illusion of myself as someone separate from the whales, the spoons, all the other humans on earth, and the Divine. It’s an ego-death – a knife in the heart of Victoria, who, like a wounded animal, is resisting with every fiber of her being the act of truly surrendering.
How does this resistance show up? Victoria has her tricks. But when I resist, when I listen to this nonsense Victoria spews, the magic stops. I disconnect. Victoria wins, and my Inner Pilot Light is sad.
How I Lower My Vibration
I engage in self-sabotaging behaviors that make me feel smaller, less expansive, less in touch with Divine consciousness. I hang out with lower vibration people. Or I drink wine. Or I let myself veer out of alignment with pure integrity.
Why do I do this? That’s what I’m examining. I think it’s two-fold. In part, I lower my vibration because it feels more comfortable than operating at a higher vibration, which while it feels great, feels new and sometimes very scary. Lowering my vibration returns me to my comfort zone.
I’ve also just gained awareness that I lower my vibration out of fear. The more I lean into my spiritual growth, the more distance it tends to create between me and those who don’t really resonate with me when I’m operating at that higher vibration. I think I’m afraid of losing people I’ve known for a long time, those who aren’t necessarily familiar with what it means to operate at a higher vibration and who feel disconnected or even threatened by me when I do.
I’m still such a relative spiritual seeker newbie that I haven’t quite learned how to hold my faith when in the midst of fear-based individuals. So I isolate. And that gets interpreted as rejection or arrogance, which isn’t how I want to operate. Obviously, true spiritual masters can completely hold their spiritual center even when surrounded by fear-based people. Me, not so much yet. I’m learning. But I tend to lose my center. The muscle that allows me to keep my center regardless of how much fear surrounds me is something I’m working on.
I was blessed to have breakfast this week in Lake Tahoe with spiritual teacher Craig Hamilton, who has a whole module in his upcoming 9-week spiritual evolution teleseminar series about how to navigate marrying your own spiritual growth with the other people in your life, especially when they’re not growing with you. (If you’re curious about Craig’s work, register here for a free teleseminar he’s leading: Activating the Impulse of Evolution:The Simple & Radical Shift That Can Liberate You From The Patterns Of The Past & Unlock The Door To An Authentic, Enlightened Life, which will be presented this Thursday, March 14th.)
Avoiding Spiritual Arrogance
Even as I read back over what I’ve just written, I’m aware of something I see in spiritual communities – this tendency to get all “superior” when talking about others who aren’t as “spiritual.” We are all One. We are all equal. Nobody is better or worse than or even more or less evolved. We all are right where we’re supposed to be in our spiritual evolution.
But because I’m still trying to find and keep my center, there are some people who lift my vibration, while there are others who lower it. And that’s what I’m trying to learn how to navigate. Again, wisdom is welcome!
My Year Of Non-Resistance
I’m aware of these patterns, and sharing them with you feels vulnerable, but it’s what’s true for me, and I’ve always shared with you what is true for me.
The resistance has lessened in the past two years. But there’s still lingering resistance that shows up in the ways in which I make myself small, which appeases Victoria and leaves me feeling comfortable – but glumly disconnected.
Today, I told my friend I’m ready to draw the line in the sand, to fully trust, to Divinely surrender, to release the resistance, to make myself a vessel, to quiet Victoria, to amplify my Inner Pilot Light, to invite the magic in, not just sometimes, but as often as my flawed human self can allow. She promised to witness my vow, and now, as I vowed to her and asked for Divine support in honoring my vow, I’m also vowing to you, my readers. Please hold me accountable to this. Prayers are welcome, as is guidance, so please, wise ones who no longer resist and have avoided the tendency towards spiritual arrogance that plagues some, tell what you’ve learned.
Do You Resist Divine Communion?
Are you willing to fully surrender? Or do you resist like I do?
Please share your stories and any wisdom you think might help me and others with a tendency to resist the magic.
Releasing resistance (I hope),
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