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I first heard the term “generous listening” almost ten years ago, when I took a workshop for doctors with Rachel Naomi Remen, MD. She told us that most doctors don’t listen generously. They’re always in their heads, trying to fix someone, rushing to a diagnosis and treatment plan. Or they’re judging what the person is saying—“Do I like what this person is saying? Or do I not like it?” Or they’re comparing—“Am I smarter than this person? Or are they smarter than me?” Or they’re one-upping, thinking of other patients who are in even more pain or have even more dire straits than the person who’s talking. Or they’re interrupting, barely letting the patient get a word in edgewise.

In doctors, these patterns don’t tend to just apply to patients. Most of the doctors I knew, myself included, were so busy thinking and judging and fixing that they didn’t generously listen to anyone, not even their spouses or children or best friends, not even their own bodies, hearts, and souls.

When Rachel taught us how to generously listen, I felt so busted—and so relieved. There were tears everywhere. We were present with each other. We felt safe. I had never felt safe in a room full of doctors before. I even felt loved. I had definitely never felt loved by a room full of doctors.

Rachel and I now teach this exercise at the Whole Health Medicine Institute, a training program about raising consciousness in health care providers and returning to the heart in medicine. Yet it’s not just doctors who have forgotten how to generously listen.

Spiritual Bypassing

Recently, I was attending a spirituality conference, and as I listened to many spiritual leaders, I noticed a similar tendency to employ what Robert Augustus Masters calls “spiritual bypassing,” using complex intellectual and spiritual principles as an attempt to bypass pain, conflict, and other conflicted human emotions. Spiritual bypassing is a common way to diminish the feminine within men and women—the emotional, the irrational, the heartbreak of a sensitive soul, but also the compassion. Lose the ability to be present with someone’s pain. Instead, there’s a tendency in some circles to use abstract spiritual principals to almost invalidate someone’s human pain in this dimension.

—“It’s all an illusion.”
—“You create your own reality.”
—“If you’re in pain, fix your thoughts.”

When did we lose our ability to simply be with what’s true for another hurting human being? When did we forget that our nervous systems go haywire when we go through trauma, and that when this happens, we need love, not fixing and certainly not judgment? When did we stop tending to one another’s hearts, not as a way of coddling old wounds, but as a way of expressing compassion and empathy?

I’m not suggesting that the incisive inquiry intended to question stuck thought patterns can’t be helpful. Sometimes this method is just what the doctor ordered when someone is in a negative spiral of limiting beliefs. But often, simply holding a container of safety and compassion helps someone unravel their own beliefs, tap into Source, and receive healing for their own pain. Empathy helps us learn not to fix, not to compare, not to judge or approve, but simply to be present as a compassionate witness.

It Hurts to Feel

Most of us were not trained how to feel strong emotions, how to let them move through our bodies like pure energy forms—letting anger churn through us, letting grief contract the heart like a labor pain, letting disappointment gut us, sitting with unmet longing as if she were an old friend. Instead, we numb. We shut down. We dissociate from the body. We close the heart.

When we expand our emotional resilience (read 10 tips for how to do this here), we increase our capacity to feel pain, but we also get to feel more euphoria, more ecstatic bliss. You don’t get to choose when it comes to strong emotion. When you cut yourself off from pain, you also cut yourself off from joy. And when you cut yourself off from your own pain, it’s impossible to feel true empathy for someone else who is hurting.

Videos to Ramp up Your Empathy 

These three videos about empathy and holding space touch my heart every time I watch them.

 

 

Now Is the Time to Bench Press Our Empathy Muscles

I know it’s hard to really feel what’s happening in our own hearts and on the planet right now. Global warming. Species extinction. Mass genocides. Starving children. Immigrants wrenched from their families. Standing Rock. Blatant disregard for women, minorities, and the LGBT community in our own White House. Hateful, intolerant polarization between people who should be loving, supportive neighbors. The devastation of Mother Earth.

This hurts. This hurts almost more than our tender hearts can bear.

And yet, we must expand the capacity of our hearts to feel the pain of it all. Only then can we have empathy for ourselves and for one another.

Like the Grinch Who Stole Christmas whose heart was too small, let our hearts grow three sizes today.

Holding space for what hurts,

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11 Comments

  1. SellingRetail

    Wow. I JUST posted today that “Being a Victim” is an illusion. HA! I was super busy covering my pain! What a perfect message with miraculous timing 😉 Indigo Girls song: We get to feel it all. It’s apropos. Love & Light (and OW that hurts) and Gratitude.

    Reply
  2. Emma

    I know you’re a Byron Katie fan Lissa, me too! How do you reconcile the whole spiritual bypass thing with doing The Work? I’ve been confused about this for a while, wondered about your perspective?x

    Reply
  3. Joke

    Thank you Lissa. I am from the Netherlands and I love your posts. I am reading your book Mind over medicine. I love it. This post I love especially. True listening is so important. I also work with my thoughts and The Work of Byron Katy, but the heart had to be open, otherwise it does not work. When I am in my head The Work does not work. Thank you Lissa for all your post, also what you are doing with Trevor, what beautiful souls you both are. Joke

    Reply
  4. Kingsley Arizone Demi-God

    lovely Sweet Lissa. exactly what i needed. thanks

    Reply
  5. MMitch

    Wow Lissa, I really enjoyed this post until you ruined it with the last section accusing blame.

    Reply
    • Lissa_Rankin

      I’m curious what made you interpret my expression of what hurts my heart as blame?

      Reply
      • MMitch

        Everything you expressed was beautiful but then you blamed the White House for so many things that simply are not true. You are asking for open hearts to listen and heal however, those opposed to our new President are unwilling to seek the truth and believe only what the Main Stream Media and Hollywood is telling them. I think that is a shame because if you really listened to what the man is saying, you would realize that he truly loves this country and all who reside. He would like to see all of us treated equally but his main stance is safety. What is so horrible about wanting to protect our borders from those who only wish to steal and/or hurt us? That is the one and only job of a government. Propaganda has been the enemy of many people/nations for decades and our former President made it once again legal in the USA. On July 2nd 2013, The Smith-Mundt Modernization Act of 2012 was passed…..check it out….So much of what we hear is lies. I think that some of what truly hurts your heart would turn to actual anger for being led unnecessarily to that pain. We all so want to believe that these atrocities could not happen here.

        President Trump is far from perfect but I believe his heart is in the right place. If only everyone would give him the chance to prove it, instead of constant demeaning and criticism, we may just stand a chance of coming together. Remember how Hillary said it would be horrifying and denigrating should our democratic elections not be honored? And I would like to take that a step further and say that I believe Obama was, and still is, the true disrupter. I can hear the gasps 😉

        I sincerely hope and pray that our country can be freed of the tyrants who wish for our demise so that we may all find peace and unity.

        Reply
        • Truth is True

          MMitch, you are seriously deluded.

          Reply
          • MMitch

            The Truth will be told.

        • Steph

          Well, she is expressing an opinion when she says “blatant disregard”, but the policies she’s referring to are public record, and they are not protective of the minority groups she mentioned. That’s an indisputable fact.

          Reply
  6. Meg Lewis

    Love this. feeling safe and heard with someone is so healing. Anyone here based in the UK? would love to connect with some like minded souls <3

    Reply

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