Once again, we are grieving the loss of yet another apparently innocent young Black man who is crying out for mercy and his mother. Even though parts of me think I should force myself to watch the video of the murder, my empath parts can’t stomach it and just feel helpless and powerless. I know watching the violence will not answer the question I would want it to answer- “Why? Why would five Black police officers murder one of their own? Why would they not stop when they realized they had gone too far? Where are their hearts? Where is their humanity? Where is the dignity for human life? If they don’t care about human life and justice, don’t they even care about getting caught? What possessed these men to do something so violent and horrific? Why couldn’t they stop themselves or at least call 911 right away once they realized Tyre Nichols was dying?”
As a doctor who committed my life to ease the suffering of those in pain, as someone deeply invested in trauma healing and relief of emotional torment, I can’t relate to how hardened someone’s heart must be to just keep beating a dying brother human and then delay getting that man help for as long as these five officers delayed.
I’ve realized only recently that the young, naive, gullible, idealistic parts of me keep trying to understand why ruthless, entitled, narcissistic people who abuse power keep hurting innocent people and don’t feel remorse for what they’ve done. From studying narcissistic abuse and coercive control recovery, I’ve learned that people who have not had their empathy traumatized out of us tend to assume that everyone else is like us. We make the assumption that if we saw someone suffering, we would rush to their aid, and if they cried out in pain, we would stop whatever we were doing and feel intense regret and remorse. If we lost control for a moment and let our rage get the best of us, all it would take is for someone to cry “Mercy!” or “Mommy help me!” and our hearts would stop whatever abuse we might be perpetrating.
But people strongly blended with power-hungry, narcissistic, and sociopathic parts are wired differently. Rather than feeling empathy when someone weakened and in pain is suffering, they may even feel a hit of sadistic pleasure in hearing someone’s pleas for mercy. The more someone cries, the more the bullies get off on the hit of power that inflates them, makes them feel superior, and causes them to justify just beating someone harder.
If I watched the video, I would feel like watching in some way honored the dead, so in some way the death wasn’t completely ignored or in vain. By watching it, it would be my way of showing solidarity for Black Lives Matter and for Tyre Nichols and those who loved him. Maybe watching the reality of the police brutality on video would motivate me more to get more politically active, to protest more loudly, to let my righteous anger fuel me to pressure our government to make these injustices stop.
If I watched the video, I might also be trying to find some way to humanize the murderers so as not to feel the helplessness and powerlessness I feel when I realize how many narcissistic and sociopathic people are abusing power and driving our species off the cliff on the backs of the most innocent among us. I would be trying to imagine these cops as little boys who must have been overpowered in childhood in such a devastating way or so oppressed while they were growing up that they became the oppressors and lost touch with being able to treat a fellow human with dignity and respect, as a way to hate the cops less and empathize more.
I would be trying to avoid feeling the utter powerlessness that Tyre Nichols, George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, Michael Brown, and all the others like them must have felt and that I feel when I watch them getting senselessly tortured and murdered. Watching the video would be a small way I could show my care and extend my empathy and suffer alongside the man who suffered in the video and later died as the result of the beatings.
But I am choosing not to watch the video, not because I don’t care, but because it won’t bring him back and it won’t answer the “why” questions. Because there is no reason for such an irrational or senseless act of violence.
I’ve realized that humans wired for empathy simply cannot understand why people with closed hearts and no empathy do what they do, and dysregulating my own nervous system by watching violence I’m powerless to stop doesn’t help save Tyre Nichols or his family. But it does help, maybe in some small way, to leverage my own power and privilege by saying his name and honoring his dignity and expressing my empathy for everyone who suffers every time one of our own is treated as if they matter less than those with big sticks and enough power to abuse it.
As Paul Farmer says, “The idea that some lives matter less is the root of all that is wrong with the world.”
What does help is fighting for justice for Tyre Nichols and fighting for police reform. Let us hold each other in our collective grief and pressure our politicians to change laws so police brutality and all abuses of power against the innocent and vulnerable are stopped and that the perpetrators of senseless violence and abuses of power are held accountable.
Let us remember that #BlackLivesMatter (and that we shouldn’t have to lose more innocent BIPOC in order to keep that on the tip of our consciousness.)
And let us #SayTheName out loud, and let our hearts break together.
Aaron Bailey
Abner Louima
Abram Smith
Adrian Medearis
Ahmaud Arbery
Aiyana Stanley-Jones
Akai Gurley
Albert Joseph Davis
Albert Woodfox
Alberta Spruill
Alexia Christian
Alonzo Smith
Alteria Woods
Alton Sterling
Amadou Diallo
Amanda Milan
Amber Monroe
Anarcha (last name unknown)
Andrew Wright
Anthony Anderson
Anthony Ashford
Anthony Hill
Anthony Lamar Smith
Antron McCray
Antronie Scott
Antwon Rose Jr.
Arminta Cobb
Arthur McDuffie
Ashanti Carmon
Ashton O’Hara
Asshams Pharoah Manley
Atatiana Jefferson
Benjamin Chavis
Bennie Lee Tignor
Betsey (last name unknown)
Bettie Jones
Billy Ray Davis
Bobby Hutton
Botham Jean
Brendon Glenn
Brian Keith Day
Breonna Taylor
Brooklyn Lindsey
Calin Roquemore
Cariol Horne
Carter Howard
Chanelle Pickett
Charleena Lyles
Charles Bruce
Charles Greenlee
Charles Kinsey
Charles Lang
Charles Weems
Charlie Pollard
Christian Cooper
Christian Taylor
Christopher S. Brown
Christopher Davis
Christopher McCorvey
Christopher Whitfield
Claire Legato
Clarence Norris
Claude Neal
Claude Reese
Clementa Pinckney
Clifford Glover
Connie Tindall
Corey Jones
Cornelius Fredericks
Cynthia Hurd
Dana Martin
Daniel Simmons
Danny Ray Thomas
Danroy “DJ” Henry Jr.
Dante Parker
Danye Jones
Darius Robinson
Darrius Stewart
David Joseph
David McAtee
Deborah Danner
Decynthia Clements
DeeNiquia Dodds
Dejuan Hall Delrawn Small
Demarcus Semer
Demetrius Bryan Hollins
DePayne Middleton-Doctor
Derrick Scott
Diamond Bradley
Dominic Hutchinson
Dominique Fells
Dominique Clayton
Donald Ivy
Dontre Hamilton
Dravon Ames
Dreasjon Reed
Duane Wight
Dyzhawn Perkins
Edmund Perry
Eleanor Bumpurs
Elijah McClain
Elisha Walker
Emmett Till
Eric Garner
Eric Courtney Harris
Eric Reason
Ernest Green
Ernest Hendon
Ernest Thomas
Ethel Lee Lance
Eugene Williams
Eugene Williams
Ezell Ford
Fannie Lou Hamer
Felix Kumi
Floyd Dent
Frank Smart
Frankie Perkins
Fred Hampton
Fred Simmons
Freddie Blue
Freddie Gray
Freddie Lee Tyson
Frederick Moss
Frederick Taft
George Floyd
George Key
George Mann
George Stinney Jr.
Gregory Riley
George Robinson
Harvey E. Clark Jr.
Hayes Turner
Haywood Patterson
Henrietta Lacks
Herman Wallace
Herman Shaw
Iesha Harper
India Kager
Isadore Banks
Jacob Blake
Jacqueline Craig
Jaisha Akins
Jamal Williams
Jamar Clark
Jamel Floyd
James Cobb, Sr.
James “Bun” McKoy
James Byrd Jr.
James Cameron
James Chaney
James Mincey Jr.
James Powell
Janet Wilson
Janine Africa
Javier Ambler
Jazzaline Ware
Jemel Roberson
Jerame Reid
Jerry Dwight Brown
Jerry Jacobs
John Crawford III
Johnnie Jermaine Rush
Jonathan Ferrell
Jonathan Sanders
Jordan Davis
Jordan Edwards
Joseph Mann
Joyce Curnell
Julian Edward Roosevelt Lewis
Junior Prosper
Justus Howell
Kaia Rolle
Kalief Browder
Kathryn Johnston
Kayla Moore
Keith Childress Jr.
Keith Harrison McLeod
Keith Scott
Kendrec McDade
Kendrick Johnson
Kenne McFadden
Kevin Hicks
Kevin Matthews
Kevin Richardson
Kisha Michael
Kiwi Herring
Korey Wise
Korryn Gaines
La’Vante Biggs
Lamontez Jones
Laquan McDonald
LaTanya Haggerty
Latasha Harlins
Lateisha Green
LaVena Johnson
Lennon Lacy
Leroy Wright
Lionel Morris
Lucy (last name unknown)
Malaika Brooks
Malcolm Harsch
Malissa Williams
Manuel Ellis
Marco Loud
Mario Woods
Mark Clark
Marshall H. Dunbar
Marvin “Chili” Patrick
Mary Truxillo
Mary Turner and her unborn child
Matilda Heslip
Matthew Ajibade
Maurice Gordon
MeShon Cooper
Michael Brown
Michael George Smith, Jr.
Michael Lee Marshall
Michael Lorenzo Dean
Michael Noel
Michael Sabbie
Michael Stewart
Michelle Cusseaux
Michelle Shirley
Michelle Washington
Miguel Espinal
Miriam Carey
Monika Diamond
Muhlaysia Booker
Mya Hall
Myra Thompson
Nania Cain Jr.
Natasha McKenna
Nathaniel Harris Pickett
Nia Wilson
Nina Pop
Nizah Morris
Oluwatoyin Salau
Oscar Grant
Otis “Titi” Gulley
Otis Byrd
Ozie Powell
Pamela Turner
Paterson Brown
Paul O’Neal
Pearlie Golden
Peter Gaines
Philando Castile
Phillip White
Prince C. Jones, Jr.
Quintonio LeGrier
Raheim Brown
Ralkina Jones
Ramarley Graham
Ramona Africa
Randolph Evans
Randy Nelson
Raymond Santana
Rayshard Brooks
Recy Taylor
Reginald Epps
Rekia Boyd
Renisha McBride
Riah Milton
Richard Collins III
Richard Perkins
Rita Hester
Robert Fuller
Robert King
Robert Russ
Rodney King
Ronell Foster
Rumain Brisbon
Safiya Satchell
Saheed Vassell
Salecia Johnson
Salvado Ellswood
Sam Doner
Samuel DuBose
Samuel Shepherd
Sandra Bland
Sean Bell
Secoriea Turner
Sharonda Coleman-Singleton
Sheffield Collins
Shereese Francis
Steven Taylor
Stephon Clark
Sterling Higgins
Susie Jackson
Sylville Smith
Taemon Blair
Tamir Rice
Tanisha Anderson
Tarika Wilson
Terence Crutcher
Terrance Franklin
Terrill Thomas
Thomas Shipp
Timothy Coggins
Tionda Bradley
Tony McDade
Tony Terrell Robinson Jr.
Torrey Robinson
Trayvon Martin
Troy Robinson
Tyre King
Tyree Crawford
Tyrone West
Tyshawn Lee
Tywanza Sanders
Victor Manuel Larosa
Walter Irvin
Walter McMillian
Walter Scott
Wayne Moore
Wendell Celestine
Willa Bruce
William “Joe” Wright, Jr.
William Chapman II
Willie Earl Vereen
Willie Jones Jr.
Willie Roberson
Willie Tillman
Williemae Mack
Winfred Rembert
Yusef Salaam
Yvette Smith
Yvonne Smallwood
Zella Ziona
(and anyone I inadvertently left out)
