Before the pandemic, I’d been intentionally single because I was in a phase of trauma healing recovery that needed me to focus on my own needs and healing. My inclination towards codependent love addiction and making someone else’s needs matter more than my own was such a magnetic pull that I needed to carve out some protection for my own parts, so I could get to know them, love them, heal and unburden them, and put more self-preservation strategies into place.
But after a few years of that intentional solitude, when pandemic lockdown started opening up, I realized I felt ready to try partnering again. Only I was engaging in some sort of magical thinking. While it wasn’t entirely obvious to other parts of me, it was clear that I was home alone with my daughter and my dog almost all the time, but somehow, I expected to someday meet someone. Was I waiting for some guy to get my name and address dropped into his consciousness during his morning meditation, like a spiritual download?
So, with pressure from a girlfriend who was creating a profile to start online dating, I finally agreed to try meeting someone online. While I did not meet my current partner online and none of those dates went further than five dates, to my great surprise, my online dating experiment turned out to be a remarkable exercise is personal discovery!
I went on about thirty first dates, only one of which was kind of sketchy. The rest were mostly quite lovely experiences that taught me so much about myself. I’d been an IFS practitioner and therapy client for years by that point, but I was surprised by how different dates evoked vastly different parts of me.
One sweet artist and college professor made my parts feel cherished, cared for, relaxed, and safe, until our fifth date, when I guess I scared him by saying I didn’t want to keep dating others while I was getting to know him, to which he freaked out and took himself off all dating profiles and apologized profusely for misleading me.
One guy seemed so lonely and lost after two years of being isolated by himself in a small apartment in San Francisco that he evoked all of my mothering parts, like he was a sad, lost puppy who needed someone to adopt him from the shelter.
One hot younger man who was unemployed and didn’t seem to have a strategy for making money now that the alimony from his ex-wife had stopped clearly wanted a Sugar Mommy. The parts of me who had agreed to those terms in my 13 year marriage were like “Ummm…not again.”
One man who had been abandoned by the mother of his two very young children after she had a fit of narcissistic entitlement after finding out her ex had just won a Grammy and then ran off to LA brought out loving stepmom parts in me, but also parts that did not want to take on that much family trauma.
Another guy, the sketchy one who got very handsy when I’d warned him that I was not ready for any physical connection, evoked all of my ferociously, self-protectively boundaried parts, with scared little exiles who had previously been hurt by people who stole my consent, popping through with quick tears.
I even met one attractive woman and tried to convince myself I could be bisexual, like almost everyone else I know in San Francisco. But as much as a part of me wanted to be that open, and as much as it’s easier for me to relate emotionally to women, I discovered other very heteronormative parts of me that really do prefer men romantically and sexually, as difficult as men can be for some of my parts.
Although I had been very clear on my online dating profile about my preferred age bracket (no more than 5 years older or younger) and distance boundaries (no further north than Santa Rosa and no further south than San Jose), I wound up partnering with someone who lived in Boston and was older than my stated age range. As they say, God laughs when you show Her your plans…
All that got me thinking that it might be fun to host an online weekend Zoom workshop for others who might be thinking about embarking on a dating experiment, with either the intention of finding a partner or maybe just getting to know your own parts more intimately.
So…let’s do it! My partner Jeff Rediger and I are going to host DATING FROM SELF, an IFS-informed workshop about how to approach dating through an Internal Family Systems lens, as part of healing relational trauma, getting to know yourself, having some fun getting to know new people, learning discernment, practicing how to spot red and green flags early on, and making it playful and fun to do so.
Learn more and register for DATING FROM SELF here.
If you’ve been dating, looking for new friends, or generally thinking about putting yourself out there to make new relational connections, you’ll love DATING FROM SELF. When we think of dating, we tend to think about the other people we’ll meet. But what if dating could also be a way to take your “parts” on dates and get to know who shows up when new people are around? Imagine how much fun it could be for your parts if you help them feel appreciated, known, validated, and understood when you prepare to go on a date with someone else?
Through a series of guided practices and community connections, we will help you ritualize your intention to find companionship, pump up your profile, get dating tips that acknowledge needs for both attachment and space, and learn how to identify which “parts” of you show up on dates around different people. You’ll develop more self confidence and authenticity, learn how to make your boundaries clear up front so you feel safer around new people, practice discernment by spotting red flags or green ones, trust yourself when it comes to choosing safe people to become close with, learn how to ethically test whether someone else is trustworthy, and have fun meeting new people while being intentional about your own journey of healing relational trauma and building healthier connections.
Join us on Zoom for DATING FROM SELF.
