I just moved away from the community I’ve loved for 17 years to follow my partner, Jeff, to a new job in Sonoma County. That means losing daily contact with my neighbors, including my next door neighbor, who does IFS parts processing with me over coffee. It means losing my dance community, easy access to in-person activities with my closest friends, and those Love 2.0 moments of connection with the local barista, shopkeeper, and baker I know by name.
Now, I’m new in Sonoma Country- midway between Santa Rosa, Sebastapol, and Healdsburg, without any real intimate connections besides my partner. But I know how important strong connections are to health, happiness, and general well-being. So I’m planning to be proactive about making new friends intentionally- from an IFS perspective, with discernment, to see how meeting up with new people activates various “parts” in me.
I’m planning to check out The Center For Spiritual Living, a non-denominational spiritual community, where I’m curious if there are any trauma-informed spiritual folks who don’t do the whole spiritual bypassing schtick that now annoys the crap out of my parts because it can be so lacking in even the most basic empathy.
I also just looked into Bumble BFF, a way to use an online dating app to meet up with new friends. I heard of one person who threw a BBQ and invited all of her Bumble friend matches to attend, and they’re all still hanging out two years later. MeetUp.com is also supposed to be a cool way to meet people with similar interests in your local area. I’m going to two local protests this week to meet up with other progressive, pro-democracy, pro-social justice, anti-Trump activists. I might even post on Facebook to be like, “Hey y’all, anyone local want to be my friend?”
But I want to be as intentional about how I go about meeting new friends as I was when I went on thirty-first dates to try to find a partner. Until I experimented with online dating, I’d never shopped for humans before. It felt weird and kind of dehumanizing in a way, shopping for a partner or friends the way I might shop for cool clothes at a consignment shop. But before that, I’d kind of let other people pick ME. I hadn’t been fully in consent for some of my relationships, and I hadn’t felt very safe letting them go early if they weren’t what I wanted or needed. I’d attach far too soon, before any sort of intentional discernment process. And then my empathy and loyalty would cause me to stick around, even if I wasn’t really getting my needs met.
All that improved when I finally figured out how to build a network of chosen family and deeply intimate friends when I first moved to the Bay Area in 2008.
*If you’re interested in learning how to date, meet new friends, or experiment with ethical non-monogamy from Self, as a way to become more intimate with your own parts and also to build intimate connections, whether romantic or chosen friends, please join me and my partner Jeff for DATING FROM SELF, a fun IFS weekend workshop to help you prepare for either online dating or meeting new friends, as a process of self-discovery.
Learn more & register for DATING FROM SELF
When I first moved to the Bay Area from San Diego, I went through a whole “meet new friends” cycle, and I learned so much about myself in the process of doing so! I discovered that I have some pretty strict criteria for the kinds of people I like to hang out with. As you read this, check in with yourself. What do YOU value in your friendship? How do you pick new friends or screen people you meet on dates? What discernment criteria do you rely on to figure out if you like being with someone?
Some of the things I look for when I’m meeting new friends:
Close By: I have plenty of people I genuinely love, but long-distance friendship just isn’t the same as being able to float down the river together, have a picnic, go to a concert, throw a potluck together, or have a book club. I like having friends who are within a 30-minute drive. And if I can walk, all the better.
Shared Interests- I love hiking, being out in beautiful nature, reading books, listening to live music, cooking and throwing dinner parties and BBQ’s, watching live theater, the right Netflix binge, making music playlists, dancing, National Parks, fancy hotel lobbies, making and appreciating art, casual picnics, wine tasting, street festivals, crafts of all kinds, and farmer’s markets. I love talking about relationships, trauma, healing, social justice, activist causes I support, and personal development. I don’t care if someone is rich, gorgeous, popular, successful, famous, exceptionally talented, Ivy League educated or any of that crap. In fact, I tend to be wary of people like that because so many are extreme narcissists! But the truth is that if someone awesome loves sports, anime, tech, online gaming, beer, tailgating, and gambling in Vegas, we’re just not going to have any way to have fun together, so I’m just not the right friend!
Shared Values- When I’m talking to new people, I’m listening for “Is this a person who shares my moral compass? Do we both value democracy, equal human rights for all, not exploiting people selfishly in relationships, being loyal to the people in our inner circle, being willing to confront each other if things go wrong and participate in healthy repair?” I love meeting IFS people because we can shortcut getting to know each other’s parts in a respectful way. If someone is materialistic, vain, superficial, ignoring politics, spiritually bypassing, conflict-avoidant, and a fair-weather friend who just wants to have fun but will ditch you when life gets hard, and if they’re not speaking frankly about those parts, I’ll pass. If someone is only interested in me because of my public profile or the books I’ve written, that will be a big turn-off for me. I care if we share similar values because I want my new friends to treat me the way I treat friends, like they really matter, like they’re a priority, like they’re chosen family.
Shared Power: I know relationships don’t work very well when one person is “one up” and another is “one down.” I prefer hanging out with empowered people who don’t abuse their power and have done the hard work of learning how to share power equitably, without overpowering or giving their power away.
Reliability & Availability- Do they have time for new friends or are they maxed out already? Do they prioritize investing in a new friendship or are they a workaholic or lacking in any time resources because they have so many family and friend responsibilities already? Are they flaky? Do they follow through? Or do they make plans and then cancel at the last minute, which activates my parts like nobody’s business? I like reliable people. I’m reliable with my friends and I expect the same.
Reciprocity- Am I putting in all the effort? Or are we both investing in the friendship equally? I don’t want to be the only one putting myself out for a friendship, and I also don’t want someone else to be expected to put themselves out for me. Friendship and romance should both be two-way streets.
Monologuing & Interrogation- Similarly, is there reciprocity and give and take in conversation? I’m not interested in being someone’s narcissistic supply, where an energy vampire is just sucking the life force out of me, expecting me to listen to them monologue. I also don’t expect someone else to be my supply. I get very uneasy around people who interrogate me as a way to avoid letting me get to know them, since I’m genuinely interested in getting to know my friends on a more intimate level. Curiosity about each other is great, but interrogation is a control strategy, and I’m allergic to it. Good friendships require good boundaries around monologuing and interrogation versus equal sharing time.
Kindness & Compassion: When I meet new people, I’m looking through the eyes of “Is this person kind? Do they demonstrate compassion and empathy? Are they caring people?” Not in a conflict-avoidant, fawning, people-pleasing way, but the kind of deep kindness that also means calling out loved ones if they do something hurtful, so they don’t feel blindsided if you leave. Kind in the way of not ghosting anyone and being honest if you don’t want to hang out because I’ve done something you don’t like. Kind as in they’ve been kind to their kids and their exes and other people who may not have behaved exactly the way they liked. If you meet someone new and they talk smack about all their ex lovers and ex-friends, if someone expects perfection and has a “One strike and you’re out” rule, you can bet you’re next.
Good Boundaries, But With Safe Vulnerability: When I’m meeting new people, I appreciate vulnerability without floodlighting, earning each other’s trust slowly but without tons of paranoia and distrust. If someone is crashing all over my boundaries the first time we get together, I won’t want a second meet up, because it’s just too much WORK to try to teach someone about boundaries. It’s fine if someone has to learn the specificities of my boundaries, but if they’re crossing boundaries that would upset most people, no thanks. I like people who tell me what’s okay and not okay and say “Ouch” if I do something that’s not okay. I offer the same courtesy.
Honesty & Trust: If someone lies to me because they’re trying to impress me or trying to hide something they think would be unimpressive, that’s understandable when we’re just meeting. But if I find out I was lied to months later, I will end the relationship. Even things like lying about your age or your marital status or your past accolades is a huge deal breaker for me. It’s fine to withhold sharing things you’re ashamed of until you feel safe disclosing secrets, but that’s different than just making shit up or lying about things to try to make yourself look more attractive. If there’s no honesty, there’s no trust, and if there’s no trust, there’s no relationship.
No Untreated Narcissists or Empaths, Please: My line of work is full of narcissists and empaths, so I’m well aware of how difficult it is to try to navigate the realm of narcissistic friendships and empaths who can’t be kind because they get flooded if you have a single emotion they don’t like. I’m very masterful at spotting narcissism and unboundaried empaths now. So I won’t bother getting to know someone if they start love bombing me on Day One or trying to hook me into too much vulnerability too fast, or getting too intense too soon, or throwing out too much flattery or grand gestures right out of the gate. I know where that shit ends, and it’s not worth it. I’m also very aware if someone can’t handle my emotions because they can’t handle their own. If I say I’m sad or scared or disappointed or angry and someone shuts down my emotions and vulnerability because they can’t do empathic boundaries, I’ve learned this really doesn’t work for me. Some of my worst traumas have come from untreated empaths who are the least empathic people I’ve ever met.
Spirituality Without Spiritual Bypassing: I’m down for a good moon circle ritual or a nature offering, and I love talking about spirituality. But I cannot tolerate getting close to people who overlay their own spiritual bypassing beliefs on me. Believe what you want for yourself, but when my 19 year old daughter was stuck in the huge power outage in Spain yesterday while traveling by herself in hostels, if I express fear or anxiety, don’t be telling me “Everything happens for a reason” or “Her soul chose this” or “Choose love, not fear.” F*ck that. If someone can’t say “I hear that you’re scared for your daughter and that makes sense, and I’m here if you need me,” then they’re not the right fit for what I need from friends.
Lighten Up: If you didn’t catch on from what I wrote so far, I can get a bit too serious for my own britches sometimes. So I love it when other people crack me up or bring out the humor in me. Life’s hard and we need our friends to help us lighten the mood, not as a way to deflect from intimacy, but as a way to help us keep our perspective and prevent pessimism. If someone is funny but not sarcastic, that’s a huge plus!
Who Am When I’m With Someone Else?
It’s not just my criteria that matter. Of course, someone else’s match to my criteria is important. But even more importantly, who am I in the presence of someone new? What parts of me come to the surface? Do I like those parts or am I embarrassed by them? Do I want to cultivate those parts or am I trying to contain those parts and express them less? Is this person going to be a good influence on me? Or are they too much like parts of me I’ve worked to overcome in therapy?
If we approach meeting new people from Self energy, with curiosity, compassion, and kindness for ourselves and others, we can learn so much, even if we meet someone we don’t resonate with.
If you’re curious to explore more what YOU like, what you value, what you’re looking for when you make new connections, either romantically or in friendships, please join us for the fun, light-hearted DATING FROM SELF workshop on Zoom May 17-18.
Save $100 if you register for DATING FROM SELF now.
*A married reader asked if people practicing ethical non-monogamy are welcome to join this course, and I told her “By all means!” Monogamy, ethical non-monogamy, friends with benefits, friends without benefits, gay, straight, or anywhere else on the LGBTQIA+ spectrum, if you’re looking to meet new people, you’re more than welcome here.
